I have been in a maddening season for the past two years. Life has seemed to excel at exponential speed, and as wonderful as the events are in life that have been happening, I have been growing more and more frustrated with the fact that I haven’t gotten time to feel fully transitioned into anything. I got married last September, and learning to be a wife, though I believe that will be a never-ending process, wasn’t quite something I was able to devote all my attention to. Because within months of us getting hitched God called us to start a ministry at the church we are now presently at. Which meant leaving and transitioning communities, places of worship, cities, and houses; all unfamiliar territory to me. It also meant stepping into a role I have never quite experienced before in building and leading a ministry from the ground up. We got 4 months to be able to figure all that out when, lo and behold, we found out that we were expecting a child. Which means figuring out how to juggle being a wife, a leader, a mom, and just myself. Having time to really breathe in any of these areas would’ve been nice, but it seems that the Lord thought otherwise.

And honestly, I have really been frustrated with it. I have felt like a failure in all areas, insecure in all areas, and have had something of an identity crisis on top of it all. Seeing God and trying to figure out what the heck he is doing has been nothing short of futile in all attempts, and it feels as though I have lost connection with him. I feel in over my head, alone, and angry at what seems like God throwing me into the deep end of real life and watching as I try frantically to stay above water and figure out why He has chosen to do things this way.

I’ve been frantically trying to find security in where life seems to be going. I have been wanting to make sure that I do it all excellently, and have been disappointed that I seem to be ill-equipped for any of the areas I’ve had to step into. I don’t feel secure in my abilities, or in my understanding of what God is doing. But this is where I caught the one piece of wisdom I feel I have learned so far in this journey to who-knows-where.

I cannot find my security in what God is doing. I can only find security in who God is.                       –Graham Cooke

Isaiah 55:8 says,

 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”

Human reasoning and seeking to figure out the ways of God will pretty consistently leave me feeling frustrated and let down. I don’t want to know for any other reason than because I want some kind of control. To have understanding isn’t a bad thing. To desire it isn’t a bad thing. But when you have a hard time trusting God if you don’t get that understanding, that is when there is a bigger issue at hand.

God’s character is the only place that I can stake my security. His heart towards me and his promises towards me are the only things I need to be able to move forward. Reasoning my way through my circumstances hasn’t gotten me very far. I still feel stretched and overwhelmed and confused. But what I hold onto is this: God gave his son for me, so that I could have LIFE in abundance, and so I could have intimate relationship with Him here and now. He loves me more than I could ever understand, and He has brought Cale and I to this place in life right now with deep intention. He knew every day of my life and its events before a single one came to pass. He is doing a deep work in me; creating deep wells of truth with Him. He is preparing me for the plans that He has for me. And if it takes 15 more years before I am released fully into that place where everything comes together and makes sense, then so be it. I just need to know that God is my good Father who has given great attention to the details of my life. He only gives the best to those he calls his own; the ones who diligently seek him and wait on him. He is worthy of everything I have to give him, regardless of whether or not I ever gain understanding in these matters. He is worthy.

You can’t find your security in anything other than simply who God is.

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33