I went to see my oncologist today for a check-up. Which means all morning leading up to my appointment I was riddled with anxiety.

4 years ago I was diagnosed with a cancer called Hodgkins Lymphoma. I was 20 years old and I had a sore throat. I had asked my mom for some kind of sore throat spray and she did the typical “mom thing” and made me go to the doctor, which I thought was a total waste of my time. But when the doctor felt my throat where my thyroid was and I heard him tell me he felt a “lump” I suddenly became anxious. He sent me to get an ultra sound and biopsy and, long story short, they found cancer. After surgery and 6 months of chemotherapy and radiation I was considered to be in remission and was able to stop doing treatments.

It’s been 4 years and the cancer hasn’t come back. Praise God! But when it did come in 2011, it brought a friend named Anxiety. It was small in the beginning, hardly noticeable with all the other attention being paid to the Cancer and celebrating being rid of it, and then focusing on moving on into “normal” life after treatments. But in the past year and a half it’s reared its head and has become a core stronghold over this area of my life– my health.

Every time I get a sore throat, every time I get sick, and every time I feel “off”, regardless of if it’s due to dehydration or just being over-exhausted, I’m immediately paralyzed with fear consuming my mind, unable to think clearly or to see God clearly. I just panic. Because I’ve lost my innocence to the reality of sickness and disease. And I can’t be assured that simple things are simple things anymore. Anxiety keeps telling me, “You thought it was no big deal before, and remember what happened? What makes you think it’s not back again?” You see, anxiety and fear feed off of the “what-ifs”. They feed off of possibility. The only substance they have to work with is the past: your experiences. So we find ourselves trapped in this box of “what-ifs”, unable to get out of our heads where the enemy has trapped us with Anxiety.

So how do you get out? Where is the freedom in all of this? How do you find peace in a place that once was home to real tragedy?

I was mulling over these questions in the car today as I sat in the parking lot, an hour early to my appointment, and trying to find some sort of solace.  And I felt the Lord remind me of a few things.

The first was this: You cannot find peace or security in your circumstances.

Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart because I have overcome the world.   –John 16:33

Our peace as people who live in Christ cannot be found anywhere but in Christ Jesus. Our security cannot come in an assurance that “everything will be ok”. Jesus says here in John that things will NOT be okay. He prefaces the whole point of what He is trying to say by, very bluntly I would point out, saying that we WILL go through things. Tragedy will happen. Sorrow will come. This is the reality of living in a sin-filled world. We have to recognize this as a reality and not deny it. But here is why Jesus is so beautiful: HE HAS OVERCOME THE WORLD. Which means He has triumphed over all things that are not a part of His kingdom. He has overcome fear, anxiety, disease, and death. Our thinking goes wrong when we read this and conclude that it must mean Jesus has taken it all away and we won’t experience it on earth. That is not what He is saying! Because people die. People die from disease. People who love Jesus die from diseases all the time. What He is saying is that our suffering on earth is temporary! Take heart! No matter what happens here, Jesus has made a way for you to be with Him in PERFECTION for eternity! He ultimately wins in your life, because regardless of what the enemy can try to do to your body he cannot touch your soul.

The second was this: Our spirits are constantly able to be renewed and restored, regardless of our outward circumstance.

Though our bodies are outwardly wasting away, inwardly our spirits are being renewed everyday.   –2 Corinthians 4:16

When Jesus tells us to “take heart” and promises us “life to the fullest” in John 10, He isn’t talking about our outward circumstances, but rather a fullness in our spirit that thrives whether or not our circumstances are full of incredible experiences or tragedy. Jesus died to bring us into His presence, into relationship with Him where we can access His heart and His love at anytime. Fear and anxiety come when we start expecting our circumstances to reflect God instead of our own spirits and hearts reflecting God. Nothing can steal, kill, or destroy that place in your heart with God that Jesus has established. He has overcome all principalities of darkness that would come against that place! You, not your body, are FREE to enter into full life with Jesus. Our bodies are temporary. They are wasting away with time and will continue to waste away.

And lastly is this: God knows every single part of your life from beginning to end.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.   –Psalm 139:15-16

Nothing that happens to me is ever unexpected or unforeseen. If God promises to work all things for my good, and something I don’t consider good happens to me, PRAISE GOD! He can see the good coming when I can’t. He already knows my victory story, even if my circumstances don’t look victorious.

Am I walking in all of these promises? No. Just today proved to be a day full of anxiety and unrest. But is God gracious enough to speak His wisdom and peace into my turmoil? Absolutely. And He did.

So I share this with you from the pit of anxiety. Let’s work our ways out of the pit and into the life Jesus paid for us to have!