I’ve been referred to as a parent more that usual lately, and it catches me off guard every time. Whether it’s when I pick my kids up from their class at our church or from strangers commenting on my kids or when I’m having to fill out waivers for my kids to play in indoor playgrounds. And every time I hear it or read it, it feels so misplaced  because I still don’t feel like a parent. Every time I get an email made out to “Parents of Lydia and Judah,” I feel like it was sent to the wrong email. Every time I see other moms anywhere, I feel like they are a season ahead of me; like they are way more mature and put together in life than me, which is how I saw moms when I was 16. And 10. And 5. Because that’s how we saw our moms growing up, right? We saw them as untouchable. All-knowing. Ready for anything life throws at them. The smartest, most equipped and capable people we could think of. And I still feel like an 18 year old trying to figure out who I am, what I like, what I’m good at, who I am. I don’t feel like I can be a mom. A parent. That stage of life feels so far away, and yet here I am 4 years into it and still scratching my head so often.

Can I be honest? Raising kids is still terrifying to me. I don’t like how much responsibility I feel day to day to keep all the clothes clean, all the healthy and unhealthy foods balanced in their diets, all the diapers changed, and you know, all the kids ALIVE. It often feels heavy. I always thought that by the time you are mom-age, you are mature enough to be a model of patience and kindness and generosity and consistency to these little people who so desperately need someone to help them become decent humans. But instead, becoming a mom has shined this ultra-bright flashlight on the fact that I am actually just as selfish and greedy and impatient as my kids are. Who am I to try to “fix” them when I am just as bad so much of the time? Was it a mistake to think I could raise kids of my own?? I see myself as wrong for not being the perfect image of all things good, and then I start wondering if I’m even capable of raising kids who aren’t totally screwed up in the end. And doesn’t the enemy just love to have us questioning our identities and callings? Doesn’t he love trapping us in insecurity? It’s a dark hole of self-pity when you start putting question marks where God has already put periods. 

God is really, awfully sweet and powerfully kind when you take time to listen to what he thinks. That’s one thing I HAVE learned on this weird morphing journey into motherhood. His opinion is really really nice and He’s also always right. One day, He gave to me this revelation- that parenthood isn’t about knowing all the right stuff. It’s actually meant to show us that we need the parenting of the Father just as much as our kids need our parenting. It’s meant to highlight our insufficiency. Not so that we feel inadequate, but so that we can allow Him to parent us as we parent our kids. It also levels the playing field. It shows us we are no better than our kids. We need a Savior just as much as they do. We need grace and forgiveness and healing just as much as they do. And because of this, we need someone bigger, stronger, more capable and more powerful than we are to help us raise our kids. This can feel like a painful blow to the areas of pride we keep on the shelves of our heart that tell us WE need to be enough for our kids so people can see that we have what it takes. But when we can clear away the pride and humble ourselves, this actually takes such a heavy weight off our shoulders and gives so much hope. We can’t be enough. We don’t have what it takes on our own. But as we turn our attention to Jesus, we discover that He has all that we lack. This job of parenting is a weight that He wants to carry for us. He wants the responsibility of guiding and molding our kids, and we just get to play a part in guiding and influencing them alongside Him. But it’s His work, not ours, that will change their hearts. We are just along for the journey towards wholeness with them. Next to them. What sweet, freeing truth!

Being a parent isn’t about being in a club full of elite humans who have unlocked the secrets to perfection. Even though all social media outlets display parents desperate for a platform to try to prove that they have all the answers and to prove that you are likely doing something wrong or not doing enough of something else or doing too much of another thing. We need each other to grow, yes, but more than that we need to embrace the beautiful fact that we are ALL sheep who are lost without a shepherd. We just can’t direct our kids to the path of wholeness without the sweet, guiding staff of a Shepherd. None of us are able to do it alone. None of us know fully what we are doing or what will happen to our kids. We are all dependent on a Savior to make it to the place of wholeness.

I don’t know what I am doing. I am still getting used to this whole parenting thing. But I think there’s something really sweet in my kids getting to see me pursuing wholeness and healing right alongside them versus acting like I already have it all together. Maybe there are some sweeter lessons in that place of my own vulnerability and humility for them than my strength and confidence could ever bring. And maybe embracing my place of being a child of God right alongside my kids will help them understand what it means to follow Jesus more than if I were to try to wrap my embrace around all the rules and lists and do’s and don’ts that convince me I can be enough for them if I can just do it all perfectly.

I’m learning to follow God’s voice instead of the world’s. It brings freedom and life and perspective that catalyzes me into a passion for things that used to feel suffocating. His burden really is light. He really does want me to cast my cares on Him so He can care for me. I’m really not made to do this whole thing alone, and neither are you. He has a word for your season that can transform what feels heavy into something light and beautiful and maybe even exciting. Let Him tell you what He thinks about you. Let Him tell you what He thinks about your situation. He is so kind, He is so encouraging, and He is always right.