This past year, I have been riddled with anxiety and health issues. I have been dealing daily with dizziness, pressure in my head, my ears, behind my eyes, fatigue, and post nasal drainage. Every single day one, if not all, of these symptoms takes my body on a joyride and triggers my anxiety, making it worse. Unable to pinpoint the root of it all after multiple doctor visits, I have just been praying it away, assuming at this point its the enemy trying to keep me from Jesus and from being who God has called me to be to the people around me. I have been claiming victory over my body, saying that I will not be overcome by anxiety or fear, and all the bit. There have been many moments where as I pray it goes away and I have peace, even if only for a bit of time.

Last night, I was overcome with so much pressure in my head that even the light in the room was making me feel sick. I laid down on the couch with a pillow over my head, feeling dizzy and so anxious, wondering the question that has been on a repetitive tape in my head: “What is wrong with me? What is happening to me?” I asked my husband to make a bath for me, thinking that sitting in warm water with the lights off would help. As I sat in the bath, beginning to feel soothed, I began praying again– moreso speaking to the enemy than praying– telling him he didn’t have authority and that he had to go. But as soon as I started speaking it away, it got worse. I was getting so dizzy I had to sit up and put my head over the tub, thus triggering the anxiety to build up. I felt so defeated at this point, wondering why God would allow this to keep overtaking me. Wondering why if I am praying in Jesus’ name this won’t go away. Wondering why it has been a year of me trying to fight back and feeling so defeated and exhausted and desiring so badly to give up but not being able to, because I am so miserable. A song came into my head that was so strange; it was a song that I must’ve known when I was younger because it is SUCH a 90’s song. There was no reason I would be playing it over in my head other than maybe possibly because the Lord put it there. So I began to sing it and pay attention to the words.

“Jesus, lover of my soul/ Jesus, I will never let you go/ You’ve taken me from the miry clay/ You set my feet upon the rock, and now I know/ I love you, I need you/ Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go/ My Savior, My closest Friend/ I will worship you until the very end.”

As I was singing it became a praise in my spirit and a declaration of dedication to my God. “Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go.” I began speaking to the enemy again. It was no longer a fight back though. I thought of Job, and how he endured so much sickness and heartbreak and loneliness, never getting relief through his prayers. But the point was that he didn’t give up on God. He never let go of God through his trial. And neither will I. I began to tell the enemy to hit me with his best shot. “Keep it coming. Do whatever you want. Nothing will keep me from Jesus. Nothing will keep me from worshipping him. I’m not going anywhere.” As this resolution filled my heart, the fear went away. The anxiety went away. The dizziness ceased. My head and heart had clarity for the first time in so long.

This was the moment I began to understand spiritual warfare. It’s not about fighting back and pushing to get healing all the time. It’s why Paul didn’t sit in his jail cell interceding and praying for God to save him. He praised God. He worshipped God. Nothing would keep him from loving his Lord. Nothing would weaken his spirit. And it was through his praise that the chains were literally broken off his wrists, and the cell door opened. He was freed through his resolution to worship Jesus in all circumstances.

Something shifted in my spirit last night. A strength was added to me that wasn’t there before. And it isn’t because I fought the enemy. It’s because I stopped fearing his tactics. I realized that anything he might do to me for a time will only turn around to be power added to my testimony of Jesus and His ability to win.

I win. This place of hardship this past year is only building my victory story. It’s only making Jesus more glorified in my life. Even when the enemy tries to ruin that story he only adds to it. So keep it coming you dumb devil. You can’t diminish the power of God in my life or the love for Him in my heart.