It’s crazy really that i haven’t written at all during this insane turn of events in my life. You know, pregnancy and becoming a mom for the rest of my life and whatnot.

If I am honest with myself, I think I have just been in survival mode, trying to keep my head on straight and my mind from going crazy as yet another huge change has swept through my life. The past two years have been nothing short of chaos. I’ve written a bit about that in previous blogs. So it was almost humorous when we found out a baby was on the way.

It has been really hard for me to see God’s heart for me these past couple of years. I’ve felt lost, confused, alone, abandoned, and overloaded with ceaseless piles of responsibility and identity that I don’t know how to walk in. Adding “mom” to the pile was almost like another blow in a lot of ways. I’ve wanted kids, always. It isn’t something I hated the thought of. Just not now. Now seemed like the worst time to throw that factor into my life. It seemed to uproot all the things that were finally kind of setting into place. And not things that I had put into place and wanted; things that Cale and I felt like God was telling us to step into and live in. So we stepped in obedience into these places directed by the Lord, and not even a year later we are already having to step back from a lot of those things. And it just makes no sense.

I’ve struggled with understanding. I want so badly to understand my life in its current state. I want to understand God’s heart in it all so I don’t have a wrong perspective of His character in this. I want to understand why we moved to Phoenix. Why what God called us to do seems like the last thing we are capable of doing currently. Why I don’t have passion anymore for the things that used to make my heart beat wildly and keep me up at night dreaming about. Why seeing God seems like the last thing I am able to do in a time when it’s the thing I need the very most. Why God would see me fit to raise and lead a child into this world that I am struggling so badly right now to understand and see with right perspective.

WHY.

Understanding.

I want to understand.

“As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5

And then God connects small pieces that don’t answer my “Why” questions at all, but that somehow give me peace in that there is always so much more going on underneath the circumstances we find ourselves in than we know.

My life is a mystery to me right now. Just like this baby that is about to come out of my body is a mystery. I cannot understand for the life of me how a human life just grew from NOTHING to fully flesh and blood in my body. And when she comes and I see her for the first time and see the perfection of her skin and fingernails and fuzzy head and wonder-filled eyes, I will be looking at a life only ever previously touched by God himself until she came out of my womb; I will be looking at a miracle. And in pondering this, the Lord quickened something to my spirit. This season isn’t just about having a baby. It’s about seeing something bigger than going through a painful labor and losing nights of sleep for months and changing dirty diapers. It’s about seeing all of this as a parallel to what God is doing IN me, in my spirit. In the same way that the frustrations of pregnancy and labor die off as soon as that baby is put in your arms for the first time, there will be a moment where God gives you the miracle He has been forming and molding through the complexities of your circumstances, and the instant you behold it, all the frustrations from lacking understanding or answers to questions will die off. The wonder of God in all His majesty will just take over and you will be captivated. It will all be worth it. Questions probably won’t have answers, and understanding may never come. But that is the beauty of the miracle. To see something come from seemingly nothing is quite a thing to behold.

It takes time for great things to be molded and fashioned within you. Longer than 9 months usually, when it comes to your heart and your spirit. And greatness is a miracle. We are nothing more than dust from the earth. We have nothing great to offer God. He doesn’t need us weaklings; He isn’t dependent upon us. But He chooses to mold in us His very character and greatness, so that the world would see glimpses of Him through us. That might very well be the greatest miracle we will ever experience; being made into the likeness of God.

So I am letting the frustrations turn into hope. It’s a slow process. But to hold onto the promise that God makes LIFE from what looks like nothing is my anchor. He is making a miracle in my life, both physically in sweet Lydia, but also in my heart and spirit. He is at work. I can’t see it or make sense of it, but someday it will birth and I will behold it for the first time and be blown away. This is the character of God– Miracle Maker; Life Giver.