I have been in a long, slow, cold season with God. I feel nothing. Not His presence, not his power, not love, not value, not fullness. I feel abandoned. I feel alone.

It feels like God has left me.

When I was 19, my life was changed in a moment by God. I was sitting in a friend’s room, confessing the life I had been choosing for the past year and a half. She began praying for me and I felt this heavy weight of indescribable love fall over me. I could tangibly feel the presence of Jesus, and it was more than I could handle. I was sobbing from the acceptance and love I felt, despite being in the middle of ugly sin. I felt valued and cherished and for the first time in my life, I was able to see myself the way God saw me; full of potential.

That is how my relationship with Jesus began.

It’s easy in those intimate places with God to fully abandon yourself, to fully surrender and tell God that no matter what happens He will always be Lord. He will always come first. He will always be the first I think of in the morning, and the last before I sleep.

But no one warns you about the silent season. You can’t prepare for it, and you can’t do anything to avoid it. As a follower of Jesus, the season is part of the glory being produced in us. But that’s just a nice, neatly packaged sentence to read when you’re in the middle of this season. It doesn’t help you get through it, it gives no advice. It’s just encouragement for the future.

The first year of this season I grew bitter. Towards God, towards the people around me. I grew depressed. I became fearful of things that never phased me before. I walked through life in a state of numbness; checked out and waited for God to “come back” and be near again. I moved from this state to self-condemnation. I hated myself for being the cause of the season. I wasn’t enough for God, I screwed up too much, God didn’t see my heart as favorable, I was rejected and forgotten because I was too prideful….if I could think of a reason, then I blamed it on myself. Because I didn’t understand why else God would be allowing me to go through this. I reasoned it had to be because I did something very wrong and God was punishing me.

Because here’s the thing–when God remains silent, the lies begin to sound louder and more rational than anything else. If you aren’t holding fast to truth, the lies WILL take over.

The past few months though, I have found a new place to land in the middle of this darkness. I have landed on truth, and I have been able to hold my head a little higher and see Jesus a little more clearly and rightly.

God, in His mercy, drew me back to Himself when I was 19 through loving intimacy. I had been running around searching for boys to love me, and quickly made my bed in a dark hole of shame. God knew the only way to get me out of that was to give me what I was looking for–true intimacy; the intimacy I was created for. HIS intimacy. Those first few years with God were like nothing I have ever tasted or seen. When I called, He answered. When I prayed, He was there. When I sat at His feet in worship, His presence with thick and real and fulfilling. I could feel us moving in relationship and it ruined me for life in the best way.

But God has been showing me that this season is taking me to new levels of faith in Him. He doesn’t want me to just love Him because of what He does for me. He wants me to love Him simply for Him. So when the emotional gratification I get from God is removed, and I am left with emotionless times with God where I don’t FEEL what I used to feel, is He still worth it? Am I still devoted to Him? Is He still first in my life? Do I believe and know nothing had changed about Him or our relationship except the fact that I am not experiencing a spiritual high?

I can honestly say this has been the hardest battle with my flesh I have fought so far. The need for emotional gratification is real and it’s deep. We are made to experience God with our senses of feeling and emotion. It’s GOOD. But that’s the most shallow form of relationship. It’s easy to give myself to something I am receiving satisfaction from. There is no sacrifice in that. But when the satisfaction is taken away and I am left to make choices for God based off of what I know to be purely just true and right, am I making choices for God? Am I a sacrificial lover? I can say no to that right now. And God knew that. Which is why He is allowing this season of silence. I desire to be someone that will give my life to Jesus, no matter what the cost. And this season has uncovered a piece of me that has got to go.

Learning how to die to self is the hardest part of life. But on the other side, when the death has taken place, the JOY of finding the life that was intended for you makes it so worth it!

So this silent season. I hate it. I don’t enjoy it. But I do know this now. God is here. He is next to me. He is guiding me. He is speaking loudly all around me in His creation. He isn’t disappointed in me. He loves me. And He is making me into who I asked Him to make me into–a sacrificial lover. I don’t know how long this season will last. But I am learning to choose Jesus no matter what I feel, and that is where the enemy cannot touch me.